Archive for June, 2010

1 Year Anniversary

June 2, 2010

Today marks the 1-year anniversary of Jenn and I arriving in New York City to stay.  We are no more accomplished today than we were the day we came.  We are quite a bit more knowledgeable but that’s simply because we have been here for 12 months and don’t have any learning disabilities.  If I spent any time at all recounting the little that we’ve done and accomplished in this last year,  it would make me very sad…so I won’t.  Instead, in order to keep things light and not ruin my day, I will discuss some of the differences between Peoria, IL and New York City as I now see them.

In Peoria, if you see a woman that you think looks like a man, you perhaps scold yourself for being so shallow and judgemental just because she happened to have a square jaw or broad shoulders or an odd fashion sense.

In NYC, if you see a woman that you think looks like a man, you’re right…because it is…always….it’s a freakin’ dude….and that’s it.

In Peoria, if you see a woman you think is dressed like a hooker, or at least a stripper, you’re probably right.   She is most likely a hooker, or at least a stripper.

In NYC, if you see a woman you think is dressed like a hooker, or at least a stripper, you’re probably wrong.  It’s most likely just an actress on her way to an audition or, if it’s evening, just a regular girl on her way out to a club or a bar knowing that, if she is to have any chance of getting ogled or shuffled to the front of the line, she must be dressed like a trapeze artist in Amsterdam.  The one time I have been propositioned by a hooker since being out here, she was the most modestly dressed girl I had seen all night…I would’ve felt comfortable introducing her to my grandmother as my friend Angela (or whatever).

In Peoria, when people have something they realize they will never use again or do not need at all, they typically just stuff it in their basement or  their garage or their 6th closet.

In NYC, when people have something  they realize they will never use again or do not need at all, they stick it out on the sidewalk with a “FREE” handwritten sign taped to the pile.  Sometimes neighbors walk by and find something they want but usually the pile is cleared by people that make their livings by putting out a few tables on a street corner and selling things they didn’t have to pay for for one reason or another.  These tables should have a sign above them that reads “MOST RANDOM GARAGE SALE OF ALL  TIME” because they’ll typically have something like 65 cell phone covers, 25 belts, 3 childrens board games, 10 unopened kung fu dvds, 14 packaged t-shirts, a watermelon and a unicycle.

In Peoria, if someone is yelling on the street nearly everyone stops and listens to see what is going on because it must be important or possibly even cool.

In NYC,  if someone is yelling on the street no one stops or listens because seemingly eveyone else is yelling on the street and it’s almost never important….or coherent.

In Peoria, if it’s summer and a girl isn’t wearing a bra, she kinda stands out.

In NYC, if it’s summer and a girl is wearing a bra, she kinda stands out.

In Peoria, the crazy people are in some sort of facility.

In NYC, the crazy people are outside your apartment.

In Peoria, there’s a church on every block.

In NYC, there’s a bar, cafe, and pizza joint on every block.

In Peoria, if you hear the people across the street yelling at 3 in the morning, someone calls the cops.

In NYC, if you hear the people across the street yelling at 3 in the morning, someone yells at them to stop yelling and then they yell at each other until they get sleepy.

In Peoria, it’s understood that you don’t use really foul language in public places loud enough for those around you to hear.

In NYC, it’s understood that you’re supposed to use really foul language at any time, in any place, in any setting, loud enough for everyone around you to hear.

In Peoria, if you have an audition to go to, plan on staying about 2-3 hours with 45 minutes to an hour of that being you actually auditioning.

In NYC, if you have an audition to go to, plan on staying 2-6 hours, with 45 seconds of that being you actually auditioning.

In Peoria, being racially ambiguous gets you a lot of questions.

In NYC, being racially ambiguous gets you a lot of roles/jobs.

In Peoria, “not being able to find a parking spot” means you couldn’t find a parking spot within a 30-second walk to the front door of your destination.

In NYC, “not being able to find a parking spot” means a vacant, legal parking spot literally does not exist within a 2-square-mile radius.

In Peoria, professional opportunity usually involves CAT.

In NYC, professional opportunity, unfortunately, involves everything that we dream of…..(sigh).

12 months down…..who-knows-how-many-more to go.

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